Hello,
My mom would tell you that the first time I flew, I was three. She says I walked onto the plane like I owned it—confident and calm. I took my seat and rested my arms behind my head without a care in the world. Over the years, I became a seasoned and relaxed flier. For me, turbulence is just another part of the journey—something to weather as the plane moves from point A to point B. That’s not to say I never get concerned, but simply to say that flying concerns for me are the exception, not the rule.
But imagine this: I’m on a plane experiencing turbulence, and I think, “No big deal” even though some passengers who are less comfortable flying express feelings of anxiety. Then the pilot comes over the intercom and says, "I'm scared too; this is really bumpy." The whole atmosphere would change, wouldn't it? Instead of reassuring us, the pilot would have just added to the chaos.
In a recent episode of the Tim Ferriss Podcast, the guest, clinical psychologist and author, Dr. Becky Kennedy introduced the idea of “sturdy” leadership, which stuck with me in a profound way. Using a metaphor of a pilot, Kennedy said the role of the pilot isn’t to be distracted by passengers' fears or to share their own—they must focus on their job: flying the plane. They have to set the course, hold steady, and keep the plane on track, no matter how rough the air gets.
This same principle applies to leadership. When turbulence strikes, the leader’s role is not to mirror the emotions or fears of those they lead. Instead, they must remain focused on their responsibilities, just like the pilot who navigates the storm while reassuring and guiding others. This is where the concept of "sturdy" leadership, as described by Dr. Becky Kennedy, comes into play. Sturdy leaders, Kennedy says, are those who are:
equally boundaried as they are connected to you. They’re actually equally as connected to themselves. What do I want? What are my values? What are my limitations?...Oh, you might be different, but I’m able to hear and understand your values and wants and feelings. And to me, the way that can get operationalized [is] … to set boundaries, and I think most people get boundaries completely wrong. I know how to set and hold boundaries and at the same time I’m able to connect to and validate other people’s emotional experiences. Those are the two pillars of sturdy leadership.
Kennedy describes a sturdy leader as someone who is both strong in their boundaries and compassionate in their connections with others—someone who can navigate both literal turbulence (the bumps in the air) as well as figurative turbulence (the emotional reactions of themselves and others to the bumps) without losing composure.
Continuing with the pilot metaphor, Kennedy explains, “I think there’s three versions of a pilot that you might hear come over a loudspeaker. And I actually think they perfectly exemplify three different versions of parenting” and leadership.
The Unreassuring Pilot: One pilot might scream at passengers to stop panicking or threaten to revoke their frequent flyer miles.
The Fragile Pilot: Another might crumble under the pressure and admit they don’t know what to do. “And at this point you’re no longer scared of turbulence…you’re just terrified that this person is your pilot because there’s this merger: My overwhelm became your overwhelm and you just melted in front of me.”
The Sturdy Pilot: One who acknowledges the turbulence, reassures passengers with calm confidence, and focuses on flying the plane. They set clear boundaries while maintaining a connection with those they serve.
Kennedy provides a concrete example of a sturdy pilot:
The pilot we want to hear is the sturdy leader and they’d probably say something like this, “I hear you screaming. That makes sense, it’s very turbulent. And I’ve done this a million times, I know what I’m doing. What scares you does not scare me and so I’m going to get off the loudspeaker and go back to piloting the plane and I’ll see you on the ground in Los Angeles.” And what’s crazy is, I think you think about a passenger in that situation, and I’m going to guess even if the turbulence was the same, they feel calmer. Because what a sturdy leader really does is they say to you, “I see what’s happening for you. I see your feelings as real and your feelings don’t overwhelm me.” There’s a boundary. I can see yours as real and connect to them while I can maintain a separate connection for myself and there’s this cockpit between us.
Her metaphor about a pilot during turbulence resonates deeply. This is the kind of leadership we need in schools and organizations, where turbulence—whether in the form of difficult conversations, resistance to change, or performance challenges—is inevitable. The question is not whether challenges will arise, but how a leader will respond when they do.
Kennedy often returns to the question, “What is your job in this situation?” Effective leaders understand that their job is not to keep everyone happy but to uphold the organization’s mission while supporting those they serve. Unfortunately, not all leaders know what their job is. For example, the populist leader thinks their job is to please everyone, leading to inconsistency and favoritism. The authoritarian leader believes they’re there to tell others what to do, thereby dismissing input, believing their way is the only way. An ostrich leader avoids conflict, believing their job is to keep the peace and they hope if they look the other way, the problems will resolve themselves. Each of these approaches fails because they lack the balance of boundaries and connection. Sturdy leadership requires both.
Using the concept of sturdy leadership, I've provided examples of how good intentions can go wrong and what to do instead at the end of this post (examples were created with the assistance of ChatGPT).
Just as a pilot navigates turbulence with calm confidence, guiding the aircraft through choppy air while reassuring passengers, sturdy leaders steer their teams through organizational challenges with a similar grace–even if the plane is being built while it’s flying. Sturdy leaders understand their role is not to eliminate storms. After all, setbacks, crises, and periods of uncertainty are inevitable in any dynamic environment. Instead, their focus lies in guiding their teams through these turbulent periods with a combination of strength and compassion. They set clear boundaries, ensuring that goals and priorities remain on track, while simultaneously fostering a culture of open communication and support. This allows individuals to feel heard and valued, even during challenging times. By embodying a sense of calm confidence, sturdy leaders inspire trust and resilience within their teams, enabling them to not only weather the storm but also emerge stronger and more united.
~Heather
Situation | Boundary & How It’s Enforced | How Not to Behave | How a Sturdy Leader Would Behave | Sturdy Leader Sample Script |
Handling a Team Member Who Misses Deadlines | Boundary: Deadlines are essential for workflow and team efficiency. Enforced by: Setting clear expectations, tracking progress, and following up with consequences if missed deadlines become a pattern. | Avoid addressing the issue or making excuses for them. OR Publicly reprimand them without support. | Have a private, direct conversation about expectations, offer support, and hold them accountable. | "Timeliness is crucial because the team depends on this information. I noticed the report was late—what barriers did you encounter, and how can we prevent this moving forward?" |
Dealing with Resistance to Change | Boundary: Change is necessary for growth and must be implemented. Enforced by: Clearly explaining the rationale, addressing concerns, and supporting staff through transitions. | Dismiss concerns as unimportant OR cave in to avoid conflict. | Acknowledge concerns while standing firm on necessary changes, providing rationale and support. | "I understand this shift feels challenging, but it’s important for our long-term success. Let’s discuss how I can support you in making this transition manageable." |
Managing a Difficult Conversation About Performance | Boundary: Performance expectations must be met for individual and team success. Enforced by: Regular check-ins, clear expectations, and documented improvement plans if necessary. | Sugarcoat the issue to avoid discomfort OR deliver harsh criticism without room for improvement. | Provide clear, constructive feedback while maintaining respect and encouraging growth. | "I appreciate your contributions, and I also see areas where you can improve. Let’s talk about concrete steps to help you meet expectations." |
Responding to a Heated Conflict Between Staff Members | Boundary: Conflicts must be resolved professionally to maintain a productive work environment. Enforced by: Setting ground rules for discussions, ensuring respectful communication, and taking disciplinary action if necessary. | Take sides or ignore the issue, hoping it resolves itself. | Facilitate a structured conversation, ensuring both sides feel heard while maintaining professional expectations. | "I recognize that tensions are high, but it’s important that we address this respectfully. Let’s work through this together so we can find a solution that benefits everyone." |
Handling an Emotional Team Member | Boundary: Emotions are valid but must not disrupt workplace function. Enforced by: Offering support while redirecting focus toward solutions and maintaining professionalism. | Tell them to “calm down” or dismiss their feelings OR become emotionally reactive yourself. | Acknowledge their emotions while maintaining composure and guiding the conversation forward. | "I can see this situation is frustrating. I’m here to support you—let’s take a moment, then figure out how to move forward together." |
Facing Criticism from Colleagues or Stakeholders | Boundary: Constructive feedback is welcome, but personal attacks or undermining well-founded decisions won’t be entertained. Enforced by: Engaging in discussions but standing firm on core principles and data-driven decisions. | Become defensive or shut down OR try to appease everyone at the cost of leadership integrity. | Listen to understand, address valid concerns, and confidently uphold decisions rooted in values. | "I value your perspective and want to hear your concerns. Here’s why this decision was made—let’s discuss any adjustments that may be possible." |
Navigating Uncertainty or Crisis | Boundary: Leaders must provide clarity and stability, not panic or misinformation. Enforced by: Communicating transparently, focusing on solutions, and maintaining a calm presence. | Panic, blame others, or refuse to acknowledge challenges. | Communicate confidence, provide clarity on next steps, and reassure people while being honest about the situation. | "This is a difficult situation, and I know there’s uncertainty. Here’s what we do know, and here’s our plan to move forward together." |
P.S. The concept of building a plane while it’s flying is a cliche I hear a lot. The best example of this can be seen in this commercial, my Catch of the Week.
P.P.S. Please remember to...
Like and share this post
Check out other posts
Subscribe to www.lyonsletters.com
Buy and rate your copy of Engagement is Not Unicorn (It's a Narwhal),
From Amazon or Barnes & Noble
Commentaires